Trauma: Big T little T and VCSS

Trauma is everywhere. We have all experienced it at one point or another throughout our lives.

There are different types of trauma and they can effect each person differently. Often, we

immediately think trauma as physical, which is one type of it and can be considered big T

trauma. Big T trauma is very serious and can have lasting effects on a person mentally,

emotionally, and physically. A car accident, rape, war, a loved one’s death, and natural disaster

are all examples of big T traumas. Little T traumas are considered less detrimental to a person

and non-life-threatening events like bullying, divorce, emotional neglect. Trauma can also be

acute—one single event, chronic—repeated or prolonged over time like domestic abuse and

addiction, or complex—exposure to multiple traumatic events like childhood neglect, slavery,

kidnapping, prison, witnessing repeated violence throughout a person’s life.

I know this is a lot of information to take in and understand. The most important part about a

traumatic event is what happens AFTER the experience. Yes, the event itself is shocking and

disturbing, and we can’t always prevent them, but the care we get after is what matters most.

Our brain’s main job is to ensure our survival, especially during stressful conditions. Trauma

causes our brain to reorganize itself as if the danger is still present. Read that again and ponder

for a moment. When our eyes, ears, nose sense danger the amygdala starts the emotional

process that we are not safe. It then, sends a signal of distress to the hypothalamus. Stick with

me here. Once this signal is sent, our adrenal glands start pumping adrenaline throughout our

body. This kicks in our fight, flight or freeze responses. This cycle will continue forever, yes

forever until we change it. This is where trauma aftercare is crucial.

When we get validation, care, support, and safety (I call it VCSS) after a traumatic event, our

brain starts to think “oh okay, yes that was scary, but I can be safe again” and we can begin to

heal. Let’s go there for a minute.

You’re 5-years-old playing on the playground, a strange dog comes out of nowhere,

jumps on you, pushing you to the ground and bites your arm. Your parents are nowhere

to be found, no one runs to help you. The dog owner grabs the dog and walks away.

You’re left hurt, scared, and lost. Minutes later, your parents come to you and say “oh

stop crying, it’s just a scratch, you’re fine” and everyone moves on with their day. Years

later, you’re afraid of dogs and don’t trust your parents with your emotions, especially

when they are seen as “negative”. This scenario leaves a physical scar on your brain.

Every time you see, hear, or smell a dog, your brain goes to the SAME exact place it was

when you were 5-years-old. It most likely will kick in the freeze response, of just lying

there helplessly every time you feel danger. This can happen with any experience, not

just with dogs.

Now let’s look at the same exact scenario with the dog, but instead, your parents are

right there, right when the dog pushes you down and bites your arm, dad throws the

dog off of you, and protects you from further harm, mom picks you up, wipes your

tears, kisses your arm and says “oh dear, that must have been so scary (validation), I’m

sorry that happened to you (support), but you are safe now (safety), let’s take care of

your arm (care).” Your parents go on to talking about what happened, and explain that

although it was a scary event, that not all dogs bite, and in fact, most dogs are sweet.

Years later, you own dogs, and go to your parents for your emotional needs. The event

still happened exactly the same way, but what happened AFTER is what mattered most.

Another scenario… your parents are going through a rough time, arguing all the time,

talking about each other in a negative way to you, and eventually end up getting a

divorce. Your time is split up between the two of them, and they never explained

anything to you, you just go with the flow. You start to feel alone, lost, and confused.

You try to express your feelings about their split and they meet you with anger and are

emotionally disconnected. This is little T trauma.

But what if, they validated your feelings of being confused, they showed care and apologized to you for not being present when they were arguing, they offer their support and ask what you need from them, and they tell you that you are safe and loved

no matter what happens to their marriage. This is also trauma, but with a healthy

relationship with you. Although the same exact things till happened, your brain is now

able to cope with stressful events in a better way.

So, what do we do now? Breathe. Bad things will happen. Life sucks sometimes, I know. If

you’re reading this and think trauma happened to you, and you were neglected after, I am so

sorry. Your feelings are valid. Your anxiety is so valid. You did not know any better. It is NEVER

too late to help yourself and work on the trauma. We are blessed with neuroplasticity—our

brain’s natural ability to rewire and rebuild pathways. Therapy, mediation, exercise, sleep,

journaling, and having safe relationships can all help us change our brain from “danger mode”

to being present and relaxed.

If you’re a parent, with children of any age, I encourage you to use VCSS with them

daily—validate their feelings, show them that you care, support them, and help them feel safe.

This is not easy, especially if we as parents, are working on our own traumas and mental health.

One of the best ways to help your children feel validated, cared for, supported and safe is for us

to be role models.

If you suffer with anxiety, perfectionism, addiction, depression, compulsive tendencies,

isolation spells, I want to tell you that those are normal and expected coping skills to trauma.

What if I told you, there is hope. I know hope, I am hope, and so are you.

Thank you for taking your time to read my blog. All the information I shared, is research based. If you’d like to continue to learn more, please sign up for monthly blog, and stay in touch on social media.